Agewell Health promotion for older people in New Zealand

Loss and Change, Grief and Depression

Dealing with Christmas and the Holidays

Christmas and the holiday period are particularly difficult times for those who are bereaved. The Christmas period—supposedly a time of joy and celebration, and for families being together-- can accentuate the absence of the deceased person more than any other time. For those who have had a family member, or a loved one, die through the year, there is no doubt that life is different, and that it will never be the same again. Perhaps you wish that you could just cancel Christmas this year. Some planning and special preparation for what you do, and do not want to do, may help.

Listed below are some suggestions you might find helpful:

Prepare ahead in order to reduce as much stress as possible. Try and enlist others to help where you need it.
As someone who is grieving you need to recognise that the anticipation of Christmas is likely to be more distressing than the actual event.
There is no wrong or right way to deal with the day. Some will choose to carry on family traditions, however, you may choose to do something completely different, perhaps start a new tradition.
It is important not to set expectations which are too high for you or others—nurture yourself. For example, it may be that it is too difficult to send out Christmas cards this year.
Allow for the fact that other members of the family may react or express themselves differently. This does not mean that they are not grieving.
Remember that sadness and happiness do not cancel each other out. It is important to be able to laugh as well as cry. Laughter/happiness may feel like a betrayal of your loss, but it is unlikely that your loved one would want you to remain unhappy.
Plan ahead for shopping tasks. You may wish to avoid the shops completely. Shopping online may be an option, or asking someone else to help.

Some Suggestions for Christmas Day:

Plant a special tree, shrub, or other plant in recognition of your loss
Light a memorial candle for the day. This can create the symbolic presence of your family member, and is also a way to recognise your own sense of loss.
On Christmas Day share a favourite or humorous story about your family member or invite a written message addressed to them which can be collected in a special place for all to read.
Buy a special gift for yourself (or someone else) in memory of your loved one.
Purchase a gift for a lonely or forgotten person, or invite them to share your Christmas meal. Give a donation in your loved one’s name, or give food to the needy (eg via The City Mission or Salvation Army).
Write your relative a message and place it in a balloon, releasing it outside. This can be very meaningful if done as part of a family ritual where every member releases a message balloon.
Allow written expressions of your thoughts and feelings. Some of the most moving poems, letters and prose writings have followed a bereavement, and have been a source of help to others in a similar position.
Prepare a special memory book to keep your memories alive for the next generation.
Hang a special Christmas ornament

Thoughts based on material from Tobin Brothers, and compiled in a handout by The Road Trauma Support Team (Melbourne). Suggestions also drawn from Rando, T, How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies. Lexington, MA: Lexington Books, 1988 (pp289-292).

Other useful websites with handouts and information:

www.childbereavement.org.uk (Support and Info/Articles and Leaflets/ No25, Managing Christmas)

www.skylight.org.nz (Information sheet, Coping with Holidays and Special Days)

Source: The Grief Centre

Unresolved miscarriage grief

For older women who experienced a miscarriage the loss at the time may have been minimised and was often experienced as a disenfranchised grief with even less understanding than there is today of the effects on the person involved. Other women losing babies and children to the prevalent childhood ailments may have discounted a miscarried baby as a minor misadventure, not understanding the isolation and significance the loss could cause. Hurtful things said, sometimes with good intentions by friends even, can stay in your memories. The grief may still remain unresolved.

Miscarriage Support Auckland has an excellent website with a section on the grief feelings experienced by older women.

Loss and Change

Loss and change are part of the ebbs and flows of life and we are likely to experience them as we age. Grief is a natural reaction to loss and is a way of coping and healing. In the booklet by Age Concern New Zealand, 'Ageing is Living', the page entitled 'Experiencing Loss' says that a person may grieve when they lose:

people - through a change in their relationship, a break-up or death
their health - as a result of illness, disability or an accident
things that they own - by accident, theft, change in circumstances
places - through moving house
their place in the world - their job, team or social involvement, or when they themselves have changed
pets - through death or because of a move

Grief can include a wide variety of feelings and emotions - anger, sadness, shock, disbelief, denial, anxiety. It can perhaps even mean a sense of renewal. It takes time to adjust to loss and change and grief has its own shifting timeframes. No one grieves the same, or feels the same. There is no time limit on your grief and there is no right or wrong way to grieve - just your way.

There are many interesting and helpful publications that may be of assistance for you. One for example is the booklet by Lois Tonkin, produced by Age Concern Canterbury, entitled, Riding the Storms. Click here to contact them to find out how to get your copy.

Sometimes however, feelings of grief seem like they are here to stay. If you have persistent distressing signs, which continue for a number of months after a bereavement or loss, seek help from a doctor or counsellor.

Grief and Depression

The signs of depression and grief can be similar, although people who have experienced both talk about the ‘sadness’ of grief compared with the ‘numbness’ or almost non-feeling state of major depression. An excellent fact sheet by The Mental Health Foundation called ‘Late Life Depression’ looks more closely at depression. Although in recent years depression has become more widely understood, older people might describe themselves as having 'a fit of the blues' or being 'in the doldrums' rather than admitting to being depressed. The fact sheet covers a variety of information on what to look out for and when to seek help.

Many people have developed their own coping strategies for those moments when they've got the blues - walking on the beach, gardening, treating yourself to a luxury, spring cleaning, having your hair done. Unfortunately, sometimes these strategies do not work. There are symptoms that, if present for two weeks or more, GPs, and mental health clinicians recognise as possible indicators of depression.

These may include:

loss of interest in activities and interests you previously enjoyed
avoiding contact with other people
changes in eating habits, weight loss or gain
changed sleeping patterns, particularly difficulty in sleeping
feelings of emptiness, helplessness and hopelessness that won't go away
low spirits that you feel most of the time

Depression can be treated and its effects minimised when recognised early. Talk to your GP. The earlier diagnosis is made and treatment begins, the better your chances of recovery and a return to your usual activities and enjoyment of life.

The section, Conditions and Treatment, on the Mental Health Foundation’s website, www.mentalhealth.org.nz contains a number of pages about depression and its on line bookstore gives details of pamphlets, books, videos and training workshops on depression and older people, for purchase or loan.

Many organisations around New Zealand can be of great help and support. Contact your local Age Concern Council or Citizens Advice Bureaux for those in your area. There are a variety of websites available that discuss loss and grief also that you may wish to have a look at.

The North Shore City Grief Centre is dedicated to helping those affected directly by loss as well those wanting to support and comfort loved ones and friends who are grieving.

They support people of all ages through the challenging times that follow the loss of someone special.

Open to all members of the community and people of any age, the Grief Centre can help you and your family heal from the pain of loss and continue grief’s journey with newfound hope and peace of mind. The Grief Centre is located at 92 Hinemoa Street, Birkenhead, North Shore City.

Have a question? 418 1457

Out of the Blue/Kia Marama

The Mental Health Foundation is launching (June 2005) a major new depression awareness campaign called Out of the Blue/Kia Marama.

The campaign aims to raise awareness of the signs of depression in order to help people recognise when they, or someone close to them, is depressed. One in five women and one in ten men experience depression in New Zealand and there is a strong link between depression and suicidal attempts and behaviour.

Out of the Blue/Kia Marama will also encourage people to seek help at an earlier stage and promote the message that the majority of people who experience depression do recover and cope with depression.

Wallet-card sized information booklets have been printed bi-lingually in English and Te Reo Maori, and a website www.outoftheblue.org.nz has been designed to help deliver information in a more confidential way.

Sue Turner, the Mental Health Foundations Acting Chief Executive said:
Depression has become one of the most important and pressing health issues in our country. We have always focused on depression as a big issue for communities, but now its time for a more concerted effort that will help to stem the rising tide of depression.

We want Out of the Blue/Kia Marama to make a real difference to peoples lives, to show us all that there is a way out of depression, and that people do recover.

The one thing we want people to remember is that they are not alone, depression is very common. There is help and life does get better - its recognising it early and getting help quickly that makes a difference, explained Sue.

Links to Other Websites

Skylight provides a national support service for New Zealand children and young people who are experiencing change, loss and grief - whatever its cause. They also support those caring for them - their families, whanau, friends, professionals and community volunteers. Aimed specifically at carers, a newly published book talks honestly and openly about the kinds of changes, losses and grief - often unacknowledged - that carers can experience in their role, and that can affect their emotions, physical health, mental wellbeing and family and social life. Rain, Hail or Shine contains comments from carers right across New Zealand.
Nations Voice on Mental Illness have a very informative article on depression in older people
NALAG (National Association for Loss and Grief NZ) is a voluntary, non-profit organisation which focuses on issues related to loss and grief. It is recognised by a wide cross section of the caring professions and interested members of the community
Widow Net looks at topics including grief and bereavement, recovery and a variety of information for people who have suffered the death of a spouse or partner.
Family Caregiver Alliance has a wealth of information about caring, grief and loss, particularly when caring for a loved one who has died or is dying.
AARP (American Association of Retired Persons ) is a nonprofit membership organization dedicated to addressing the needs and interests of persons 50 and older. They have produced various articles on their website including loss and grief.

Please Note Age Concern North Shore has tried to ensure that all information on this website is correct. However, Age Concern North Shore does not accept liability for any statements or advice contained on, or omissions from, nor endorse any suggested site on this website. Other websites referred to on this website are here for reference only. The information on this website should not be regarded as a substitute for professional advice and we do suggest that you consult with your health, legal or financial professional.

Website last updated 30/06/2010